Potential for carnage. In Spandex. That's hot!

I was thinking I didn't really have a winter Olympics sport to get really excited about, but that's because my short term memory has been killed off with cheap beer and bad whiskey. How else could I have forgotten my 2002 love, short track speed skating?

I love short track speedskating. I mean, I LOVE IT. It's crazy. Especially relay, which is just seriously, chaotically, beautifully poised for utter mayhem from the gun to the finish line. There are four concentric circles of speedskaters weaving in and out of each other and doing the most literal tush-push maneuver possible, and they're all going really fast and are about 2 inches from each other and are on ICE. It's nuts. It's like a tornado! Of sharp edges! Seriously, y'all. It's like roller derby on razor blades.

And, if that's not enough--and HOW could that not be enough?--I just found out two things that will make this day a golden shiny beacon of delight. Are you ready?

Okay. First: Do you know where short track speed skating was invented? No? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with "Ham pain."

Second: Oooooh, this is good. Do you know where there’s going to be a short track speedskating championship next weekend that’s open to the public and FREE? AND they’re doing relay for the first time ever, so you know it’s going to be an insane mess of crashes? DO YOU?

Do you know how excited I am right now?