Damnable germs and viruses!

1. Uuugh. I'm getting the nose-dripping head-pressurey thing everybody else has got. Don't blame yourselves. It's the way of all things.


2. I'm making a little mental list of things people should say more. Last week was "I'll see you in hell!" which, come on. That's brilliant. Imagine the uses!

You (answering phone): Washington, Adams, Jefferson, and Johnson, Tornadia speaking, I'll see you in hell, how may I help you?

***

Bagger: Paper or plastic?
You: I'll see you in hell!

****

Bartender: We ran out of the rail whiskey, so I just gave you the good stuff and won't charge you for it.
You: Right on! I'll see you in hell! Thanks, man!

Today, I think that I should use "damnable" more. If you try hard enough, most things are, in fact, able to be damned in the cursed sense, if not in the actual soul-going-to-hell sense. (Hmmm. I spot a theme here.) Pretty soon I'll drive that damnable wagon home, where I can change out of these damnable work clothes. Then...then I'll see you in hell! Haha!

3. LOVING the CDs you loaned me. Nick Cave and L7 in particular.

Okay. Going home to blow my damnable nose.

Work

is stupid.

Friday

Rendered unable to swim, jump off curbs, chase down suspected bag snatchers, and, now, hold a conversation without either sneezing projectile germs, snorting, hacking up something globular, or having snot drip down outta my nose, i've decided to become more relaxed with a bit more anti-sociality in my CU living.

Feel... my powers.... fading.

Sometimes, you realize stuff. Sometimes, you need to be whacked over the head.

Basement of Assured Future Therapy

I just heard possibly the most inadvertantly inappropriate basement/den fun furniture ad ever. I think it was for pool tables or Ping Pong or something, and it ended with
". . . the cool place for you and your kids' friends to hang out!"

The cool basement! With... your friend's dad! Where you can dance to Michael Jackson records! Just don't tell anybody, 'cause then it wouldn't be cool anymore. So don't tell. EVER.

inothernews

Ibrokemyspacebar.
Makeseditingharder.

Dear Alito: Please just make them all shut up.

I've been gomping the hell out of this manuscript and listening to the Alito confirmation hearings all day. Oh. My. GOD. I'm sick of hearing sentences that start with "I'm puzzled." I'm sick of hearing about the 1985 CAP letter. Remember when David Duke was all "Uh, yeah, I was totally a member of the Klan"? Now that was some prejudiced associatin' you could really sink your teeth into!

And I'm sick of the judicial committee members who are using these hearings just to deliver their own diatribes, and then conclude them with a "question," like "Liberals are destroying our nation and want to kill all the children. Mr. Alito, will you be an awesome Supreme Court Justice?" "My conservative colleagues would have us believe you've answered all the questions fully. Would you not agree, Mr. Alito, that in fact President Bush is a doofus?"

The last guy--I don't know if you heard him--was by far the worst. So I took a break from DOS to write him a letter. The subtext: "Are you, Senator Coburn from Oklahoma, not also a doofus?"



Dear Senator Coburn:

I am dismayed by your use of the approval hearing for potential Justice Alito as a personal soapbox, and even more so that you are able to do so with no oversight as to the veracity of your own statements, unlike the judicial candidate. Your citation of the NOW survey to indicate that abortion makes a women more likely to commit suicide and abuse substances is undoubtedly spurious; might not the same factors in a woman's life that might contribute to her seeking an abortion--poverty, misery, substance abuse itself--also make her more likely to commit suicide or abuse drugs later in her life?
Moreover, you asked Mr. Alito to justify a hypothetical situation involving a woman 37 or 38 weeks pregnant seeking an abortion. Third-trimester abortions are illegal in your state unless the health of the mother is at vital stake. Even in the very few states where third-tremester abortions are not strictly illegal, I defy you to find a healthcare provider in your state or any other who would perform an abortion at so late a stage of pregnancy in anything other than an emergency medical situation.
I certainly believe in your right to question the candidate, as a representative of the people of your district, in the way you see best to determine his fitness as a juror. But to use your alloted time to deliver a speech against the legality of abortions in general is not, to my mind, a particularly helpful way of determining Alito's beliefs about anything at all.

Sincerely,
Tornadia

Dear Irony: I GET it.

I've spent...let's see...26 of the last 48 hours editing a collection of papers by one of the foremost founders of the American labor movement, so I can get this manuscript to the authors before they freak AGAIN. I was reading, until 11:30 last night, speech after speech, letter after letter demanding the eight-hour workday and fair wages. It's mildly insulting. But also really cool reading. Even in 1918 they were worried about the wage gap for women, and some fields becoming pink-ghetto fields, and the abuse of workers, AND the responsibilities of workers to provide honest work for honest pay.

Best very specific union I never heard of: The Straw Hat Trimmers Union. (Later the United Felt, Straw, Panama, and Velvet Hat Trimmers' and Operators' Union)

Best, or possibly worst, job I've never heard of: Screwman.


Screwman sounds like somebody's screenname.

***

Here's something unrelated: I want a car with a battering ram on the front and a tack shooter on the back, and an extendible magnet to pick up the extra tacks, and a badass stereo. I drew a diagram during the staff meeting today. It'll be sweet!

***

SPECIAL TO S-DOUBLE-L: Log in, type words, publish post. Voila! DO IT! DO IT!

Okay. Back to the unions.

A Whole New Year to Screw Up!

Happy New Year, everybody! Here's hoping it looks like a bright shiny penny all year.

My holidays were good, the conference in DC was good, DC itself was AWESOMELY awesome, and newe years was low key and pleasant. Hope yours was, too.


Now onto the bitching. Bush and Co. are jetsetting around today and tomorrow to deliver speeches about how fantastically the economy is going. I'm afraid I have to call bullshit on that one, having just spent the holidays with people who are not CEOs, think-tank employees, or Congress people. Three of my relatives got laid off this year; two of them had worked for their companies more than 10 years. Another cousin works for miminum wage at a job that gives her enough hours that she's not eligible for foodstamps, but not enough hours to give her insurance. Fortunately, having a baby this year will enable her to get government assistance for health care. That's messed up.

We did Christmas dinner buffet-style, because three family members had to work on Christmas day. Different shifts, of course.

My mom's job is being "restructured." She can reapply for her own position, but because hiring is based on seniority and job class, there's no guarantee she'll get it. Other employees of higher classes are worried about their own jobs and are likely to apply. She's been there more than 15 years. If she does not get the job, she will be asked to train her replacements before she leaves.

My dad has been told, off the record, that if he doesn't accept early retirement from the place he's worked since he was 18, he will find his performace reviews drop each year until he is eventually fired for performance reasons. He is 54. He is not eligible to draw social security benefits for another nine years.

According to an awesome letter put out by the United Auto Workers, "The hourly wages of average workers are 11 percent lower than they were back in 1973, adjusted for inflation, despite rising worker productivity. CEO pay, by contrast, has skyrocketed -- up a median 30 percent in 2004 alone in The Corporate Library survey of 2,000 large companies."

So thanks, six-figure politicians and lobbyists, for letting me know how damn healthy the economy is. It's just too bad food stamps don't cover the champagne to toast you with.