Be glad I'm not the boss of you.

One of the worst things about my job is having to write things like so-and-so "shows excellent interpersonal communications skills." As opposed to what? Interspecies communication skills? Intrapersonal communications skills? "Hey, arm? Could you possibly complete that scratching motion before the three o' clock meeting? Thanks!"

Yuck.

Short track sells out

HEY! Who on earth expected short track speedskating to pop up in commercials months AFTER the Olympics? Everybody's favorite big-brother web service is using short track to emphasize their big fat committment to high-speed service. And it's even got real live women speedskaters. Kudos, generic internet provider!

On an, let's call it "unrelated," note: Have you ever noticed that if you hold your tongue--literally, I mean--and say "asshole," it comes out sounding very much like "AOL"?

Haik-you, mister.

I don't know if I already told you this--I think not--but one of my coworkers from another department, who really ought to be spending his time cranking out some damn work, put together a huge hallway bulletin board of full-color laser-print, taped-together freaky cats and invited people to submit cat haiku. (This is in addition to the permanent bulletin board already devoted to workers' pets, and a second bulletin board devoted to funny animal photos from the internet. My department, meanwhile, has no bulletin board, and little time for crafting cat-inspired poetry. I'm really pretty humorless on the subject, I know.) But knowing how you love the haiku form, I thought you might enjoy it, so here's one, posted without the consent or even the knowledge of my coworker, the new guy, who came to us from the music industry:

New wife's cat, a truce
Spring, he scratched my LP spines
He's gone now, of course

The Madness of March

I wrote a whole thing, and the computer ate it, and I'm way too tired and hungry to stay here and write some more. Welcome spring! Welcome snow, and see you later snow! Don't forget Springfield, which really did get hit quite hard by the tornadoes, and now has 7 inches of snow. Remember to watch Bradley get whomped in the NCAA tournament tomorrow night. Remember the Alamo!

One spring-related thing I'll retype for you: About a week ago I saw a robin and thought "First robin! Spring's here!" Now, a week later, there are about 50,000 robins, and every one of them is standing like a damn fool in the middle of the road. And they're FAT! I thought springtime robins were scrawny. Where are they getting all the worms?

Spring!

~ ~ ((((()))))) ~ ~

forget you, heat bills,
dark days, survival gear-wear.
march 20 brings springs!

~

the sun pummels fierce
on closed lids, sprawled limbs, still smiles.
"soon," parks promise. soon.

all hail spring! all hail spring!

happy march 20, yall.


other haikus from peoples:

dust the bike seat, spring
and peddle eastward always
toward light and lake
.lena

grad school done, new life,
worthy new project beckons
dumb project blocks way.

at long last, choice made,
no dc move, here will stay
mortgage brings closure.
.bob

zipped up now, I'm cold.
a warm air stirs my hair, quiet-
says "I'm coming soon"
.beth

Slung in my hammock,
warm breeze, coconut sunblock,
and some lemonade.
(I guess I skipped right through spring and went right to summer. Oh
well, close enough.)
.darin

spring you taunt, you tease
what the huh? snow, no, no, no.
no more tear-drawn wind
.anni

Brisk winds pummel skin,
Ominous weather looming,
Spring is just a dream.

Wake up to snowballs -
Daydreams bring tomorrow’s hope
While heat bills linger still.
.joanne

Spring
I love the feel of spring time.
You can see it all around you,
can even catch its scent.
This is the time when everything comes alive.

There are the trees with their
brand new leaves.
Here are the flowers
with their lovely scent.

Hear the birds singing their song of happiness.
And the animals are surrounded by their young.

I always get a wonderful feeling
in the season of Spring.
.laurie

life springs, people walk
daffodils thrill, cleaning starts
warmed cotton, cool blue
.paula

SECOND TO Last Friday of Winter -- With Cold Comes Need for Rugs

Someone finally stole the red carpet off my porch.

It had been hanging on the porch banister since i moved back in January, first to air out a bit. Later, when we launched into scraping the lead paint off of the windows and floorboards of the front and dining rooms, i left it out there to protect it from the layers of toxic dust that settled upon everything after pushing past the floor-to-ceiling makeshift wall of plastic that we built and worked within, decked in rebreathers, industrial goggles, hats, and heavy gloves, and clothes we threw immediately in the washer after finishing our day. (As a side, i had always thought "the death room" as we affectionately referred to it, would make an absolutely fabulous rave site. Everyone decked out in their radiation jumpsuits and protective wear so that only eyes could be seen. All the peoples getting down amidst the tools and dust and, uh, lumber. Preeeow!)

Anyway, on Monday, i noticed that the carpet was gone. A cold front settled in that day, and i had just dragging myself and my new winter weather-inspired doozy of a cold down the blocks away from campus and spirit-sucking work towards bed well before the 5:00 bell. Climbing the four short steps up the porch, my pressure-laden eyes focused through the banister to the street. After a moment, i realized something was strange about this. Another second had my head nodding. The awkward patch of heavy red fabric that traditionally blocked my view was now missing. My carpet. Gone. From my porch. Taken by someone. A stealer of porch things. It's true.

Just Saturday, i had thought about bringing it in. Upon orders of The Union of the Snake (all hail), we've been on scraping haitus for the past week. "But Scraping II: No Walls To Stop Us Now!" was set to begin again this week, so i decided against it, and left the thing there. That was the last time i remember glancing uncaringly past it.

Yeah. To be honest, a carpet hanging on a porch for months was probably pretty obnoxious -- akin, i guess, on some level to leaving your laundry hanging out on the line for weeks on end, or plopping your doorless car indefinitely on blocks in the front yard. It was a fine enough carpet, though, -- a sassy berried shade of red, nice textured weave. No atrocity in itself, visually. But i'm sure some neighbors weren't too fond of the color blocking it added to my entryway. "She's still got that carpet hanging out there," i imagine my frowny across-the-street not-new neighbor spitting to his wife as he pulls their station wagon out of their drive. "That eyesore! It's been there ever since she's returned. First the parties, then this." "Yes," she responds, all scrunchy-faced and tight-bunned. "Such a blight upon our trim neighborhood. Wait -- i know! Let's have our awkward, somber-looking teenaged son dress in black and steal it off of her porch in the dead of night! We can use it in the basement!" Then they look at each other in a moment of epiphany and orgasmic rapture, stop the car, and make out gropingly.

Gross. Sorry.

While the thought of irritating others around me with my aesthetic faux pas doesn't bother me too very much (um, unless i think of things like that), i can understand it.

So, now it's gone. One less toxic dust-free red carpet in my life.

i had no plans for that rug yet in the house -- no place i was looking forward to stepping or laying upon it. My house is in limbo, with no end point in site for this naive little wander into "home improvement," which, for good or for naught, negates most abilities to have deigns for one lonely lovely-ish rug in the grand setup of things. It's not alone; many nice, small things are being ignored while attention is being sucked up by this mighty to-do (and being thrown frantically out into the world of free movement and unplannedness when a reprieve is called).

It's probably in a better place now, bringing color and warmth to a floor of some room in a house of more intentional and orderly thieves.

To you, red carpet, wherever you are. Fond wishes for a more appreciative spring.

At last, Wheaties really will get me going.

THIS JUST IN:

MSNBC announces that Apolo Anton Ohno and Joey Cheek will be featured on boxes of Wheaties. They wouldn't say that just to mess with me, would they?


(You didn't really believe me when I said I had "one last comment" on the Olmpics before, right? Because let's face it: I'm still not done.)